From Loss to Healing

Grief as the Beginning of the Path

When I lost my father to cancer I had also already lost three pregnancies to miscarriages.

My father was my guiding light. By losing him I lost a huge part of my soul. My heart was broken and I didn’t think I could continue on without him.

His loss is what lead me to following my path in Reiki, Vibrational Sound Therapy, Spirit Baby Intuition, Mayan Womb Massage and Connection with Cacao.

My father was an international advertiser and his job brought us to live all over the world. We lived in New Zealand, Australia, Hong Kong, England and Japan before my family moved and settled in Colorado.

My dad’s mother had died of pancreatic cancer when he was very young, without telling anyone she was sick. My dad almost did the same thing, but my mom somehow convinced him not to.

Loss is an inevitable part of life. Losing a parent is expected, but never easy. Especially when you lose them to cancer.

He started radiation therapy shortly after he told us that he had cancer. I was still working at the Humane Society in Pueblo at the time. I was gradually losing my momentum work. It wasn’t easy knowing my dad was sick, knowing something was wrong with my body from having miscarriage and trying to work through everything that was happening at work. I ended up quitting so I could heal.

After quitting my job, I got to spend a lot of quality time with my dad. Whenever I pulled up to my parents’ house my dad was there to greet me as he was watering the plants in the garden or doing some form of handy work that he had planned out. He was an incredible gardener and always was trying to learn a new skill. I often find myself seeing his car in the driveway now and thinking he will be there to greet me.

I remember picking him up from the hospital after he had some lumps removed. We went to Tokyo Joes and sat outside because it was Covid times and we couldn’t risk him getting sick. We would chat and we liked to sample all their teas and mix them together to make fun flavors.

I remember how he would make friends with all the nurses and by the time I would pick him up he had told them all about his daughter and they would tell me how proud he was of me. Thinking about it now. Our dog Bronco would also make friends with his nurses when he was going in for his cancer treatments. We lost him this March 2025 to cancer too.

My father said to my mom before I was born. “I hope they like animals” then he said “I hope they like chocolate”. Well I love both.

Watching my dad gradually get sicker and sicker took its toll on all of us. He was very strong, but I could see him also wasting away in front of my eyes.

I had never been in the room with any person as they were dying. I had been with animals at the Humane Society as a euthanasia tech many times. I had never lost a person who was close to me.

My dad died on boxing day. People often die on or near holidays. He acted as though he was nesting before we lost him.

His death was very peaceful and he was surrounded by the people he loved the most in the world. My brother played Izzie's version of “Somewhere over the rainbow” on his ukulele, which was one of his favorite songs.

I loved my father so much. I wish we could have much more time together. Even though it has been almost four years since we lost him, I still feel his loss as though it happened yesterday.

I appreciate the time we did have together and all the love he gave me when he was alive. I know he is watching over me and guiding me. I look at my garden and see him everywhere in the plants I planted. They are abundant this year and I felt guided to put them in specific places.

He left behind beautiful memories that I cherish.

I was seeking a lot of healing after my dad died. I was still healing from my miscarriages too.

I really wanted to keep working with animals, but was not ready to go back to working at the Humane Society and did not feel like pursuing work at the zoo.

Before my dad had died, he loved the idea of my becoming a Reiki Master. I had had an interaction with my second Reiki Master at an Emotional Painting session I had attended. She could tell I was a healer and invited me to take her Reiki training.

Miscarriage and Loss

I was so excited when I was finally pregnant with my first pregnancy. I had had a couple of chemical pregnancies prior to that one. I was working at the Humane Society as their Trap Neuter Return Coordinator. So, I was crawling under the Catty Wagon, which was the vehicle I drove, to try and get kittens out of the engine. It was winter and cats that I released would run towards my vehicle and hide under it to stay warm.

I could sense the baby in my womb growing up until six weeks. I would see this little green light in my womb and just could tell the baby was there with me.

I had a car accident during that time. I was six weeks pregnant when I ran my Prius off a dirt road that was being reconstructed in Pueblo and into a barbed wire fence. After that, the little light went out and I did not sense the baby anymore.

I didn’t worry, but I did have this very strong feeling something was off. At my 9-week appointment our baby was measuring 6 weeks with no heartbeat. We went back three weeks later to confirm that I was having a missed miscarriage. When we went in for my appointments, we would always get frozen yogurt, but when we found out we were losing the baby we went to Starbucks where I cried and cried. I bled for six weeks after my miscarriage.

My second pregnancy happened pretty soon after I physically healed from my first miscarriage. I was working at the Humane Society in Colorado Springs. We had lost our contract in Pueblo to a No Kill Shelter. I was retained in Customer Service.

The reason I knew I was pregnant is there were two pregnant women sitting in one of the colony cat rooms and one threw up on the floor. I didn’t have to, but I went to clean it up and almost threw up myself. I went home and took a test and it was positive.

Things shifted in Pueblo and we got the shelter back. I went back down to work in Customer Service and start the Trap Neuter Return program back up. During that time, I organized a Mass Trap Event and was carrying heavy traps as well as dealing with some difficult people.

When I went in to have my ultrasound there was no heartbeat again and the baby did not grow past six weeks. I had felt a connection with the baby until 6 weeks. Once again that connection went away.

When I was pregnant with my third pregnancy, I had already quit working at the Humane Society. I had had at least one chemical pregnancy before that. It took a little longer to get pregnant again. This pregnancy was a little different. I had that really strong connection with the light in my womb. We did an early ultrasound at 6 weeks and we saw a heartbeat.

We went on a trip to Sky Valley Georgia where I rested and felt pregnant. I had a little bit of breakthrough bleeding and went into a local hospital where they took an ultrasound and said the baby was fine. I then had the Rhogam shot. There is a lot of controversy about having the shot in early pregnancy. I did not know that. I had had it for both of my prior miscarriages when I had miscarried.

On our way home from Sky Valley, I started to bleed. We went in to find out the baby had stopped growing at 6 weeks 7 days, so they had only lived for 7 more days after our first ultrasound.

All of my miscarriages were missed miscarriages. The first one lasted until 10 weeks, I had a natural miscarriage. The second one lasted for 13 weeks. I took the herbs my midwives recommended for that one. They didn’t work and I waited for a natural miscarriage. The third one lasted 17 weeks, I was seeing a fertility specialist who prescribed misoprostol. The misoprostol did not work, so I asked the midwives I had worked with before. I tried the herbs again. They did not work either. I waited for a natural miscarriage again.

I still grieve those pregnancies. Grief really doesn’t go away, but over time it does get easier to deal with. I can say that I have mostly forgotten the dates of those losses and forgotten mostly when I was pregnant. I have had seven losses so it does get harder and harder to remember everything. I do remember what happened with each one and the order of which they happened though.

My body took a long time to heal physically, emotionally and spiritually. I often would still feel pregnant, but with this feeling of emptiness.

I wanted those babies so bad it was hard to believe I was not pregnant anymore. Due dates were hard and still are hard. I can say since I only just had a miscarriage this May 2025, that it has gotten a bit easier to release the pregnancies.

Reiki, Vibrational Sound Therapy, Cacao and other practices really helped me cope with my grief.

I wish I had had more support for both myself and my husband through this. It was not easy. I had to learn a lot on my own. Unless you have been through this it is very hard to support someone going through this.

I would have loved to have known how painful a miscarriage is on all levels. I have become so good at having miscarriages I know exactly what I need to be comfortable, safe, nourished. To the point that my most recent miscarriage was still painful, but happened much more smoothly.

My second miscarriage was so painful I did not even know how I would even be able to give birth when I do.

Finding Healing in Reiki and Sound

You would think that I might have discovered Reiki from living in Japan for 5 years, but it wasn’t until I moved to Colorado Springs to pursue my Associates of Science Degree in Zookeeping Technologies at Pikes Peak Community College now Pikes Peak State College in 2009.

I met my Reiki Master at an event where I also think I started selling DoTerra Essential oils as her downline.

I took Reiki Level I with her back when it cost a lot more money to take a Reiki course.

My Reiki Master had cancer. She showed me what a body with cancer felt like when doing Reiki on someone. Although if I feel that I don’t automatically assume a person has cancer without knowing first. She died years later.

I practiced Reiki on myself and my dog Elsa for years. Elsa loved Reiki and was a really good dog to practice Reiki on. She would show me where she wanted Reiki.

I was already really in tune with animals, but after I became a Reiki Master, I started tuning into animals even more than I was able to before. I could feel and hear when Elsa needed me and she would send messages to me from the living room when I was in my bedroom asleep.

She was 14 and had atrophy in her hind legs and was slowly losing her ability to walk.

What drew me to Vibrational Sound Therapy. I going to a yoga studio when I first moved to Colorado where they had a Vibrational Sound Healing session done by a guy playing the didgeridoo. He played the digeridoo over my solar had just broken up with my boyfriend who lived in Australia. My solar plexus were really out of whack.

My father always told me that when we lived in Australia, we were walking through one of the local market squares where an Aboriginal digeridoo player was playing. I was two years old and started dancing to the digeridoo. I now often tell people “I dance to the rhythm of my own digeridoo”

Later while I was working at the Humane Society, I attended a cacao ceremony at a studio where there was also a woman playing the crystal bowls and someone playing a gong. It was when I was having miscarriages and I was seeking out healing. I talked to the woman playing bowls afterwards and told her I was interested in learning to play the bowls. I honestly cannot remember what she told me.

After my dad died, I remembered that Vibrational Sound had been really helpful for my healing. I looked up Vibrational Sound on Facebook and found an event with Carol O’Brian. I had the most amazing rest during that session. Afterwards I asked her where she took her course and she told me she had done it at the Vibrational Sound Association.

I signed up and took my course with the Vibrational Sound Association and became a Vibrational Sound Therapy Practitioner.

I was able to relax and heal through my grief while practicing Reiki and Vibrational Sound Therapy. I adopted a different perspective of my grief and learned what I needed to help me heal. I learned boundaries too.

Spirit Babies and Intuition

I have always been able to sense Spirit Babies way before I had my miscarriages. I could tell when someone is pregnant. It was mostly with family members, but has expanded outside of my family. I could tell when my spirit babies were in my womb too.

What did happen after my third miscarriage was, I started seeking readers to help me figure out what the spiritual reason was for my miscarriages.

Then I realized I could do it myself. I started doing readings for myself and keeping everything I learned in a journal. I learned a lot about myself from doing these readings. In my journal I wrote about Spirit Babied before I knew what they were. I did not realize that already existed and there were books about them.

I was a little afraid at first that people would think I was really odd for having this gift. I honestly don’t care anymore, because I have so many validating experiences from my own experiences and my clients’ experiences.

I started doing readings on Etsy. This was during the time that my dad was sick and very close to the time that he died. I got really burned out and was under charging for my readings, so I stopped.

I started hearing a lot of babies who were looking for their mothers. They were all coming at once like I was a roller coaster. I had to ask them to slow down. Especially since I was also wanting to hear from my Spirit Babies. There was a point I felt some of the babies I was miscarrying were babies trying to get to their mothers and were not my babies since I did not have a connection with them and they turned out being blighted ovum pregnancies, which confirmed my suspicions. Thankfully that doesn’t happen anymore.

Now I have been able to help women or couples connect with their Spirit Babies in a way that is not taking away from my connection with my own Spirit Babies.

I took a course from the Spirit Baby Academy with Kelly Meehan who is a Spirit Baby Medium to hone in my own Spirit Baby Communication skills.

I find the connections I have with Spirit Babies very special. I love connecting with my own Spirit Babies while I wait for them to come Earthside. I love seeing the pictures of the babies I have connected with prior to their births.

This is such a gift. I realized that I needed to be able to help other women connect with their Spirit Babies. Often, they already are, they just need the encouragement to figure out how to connect.

Training to Become a Doula

My ultimate goal was to work as a zoo keeper and then work as a Yoga Instructor when I had kids.

Before I started working at the Humane Society I was planning on taking a Prenatal Yoga Teacher Training. There was also an option to shadow doulas and train to be a doula. Unfortunately, they cancelled the Prenatal Yoga Teacher training.

I had talked to the teacher about becoming a doula and working at the Humane Society and how it could work if I did the doula work part time while I worked at the Humane Society full time. Taking fewer births.

She had also given me a list of books to read for the Prenatal Yoga Teacher course. This is where I learned about Ina May Gaskin and read part of one of her books, which inspired me to want a natural birth when I have children.

It important for me to walk with women through birth, loss, and healing, because women used to birth in community. Women used to be present for births in their families until birth became more surgical. Bringing women together again and knowing how to help with birth is a goal of mine.

I think there Is such a disconnect from birth that needs to be reconnected. I personally want a team of Midwives and Doulas helping with my own birth when the time comes.

I know I can help women on their path to become mothers. Especially mothers going through loss. It will also be beautiful to be able to be there to see new life being born into this world and to help women heal after birth.

I want women or couples to feel safe and held when they work with me. Even though I do not have my own children yet, which I hope will change after I write this blog. I can help women speak up for themselves and create a birth they want. Things may not always go according to plan, but I will be there for support.

I start my training in December and will be ready to take births after that.

The Call of Guatemala

My friend Penelope had gone on a Cacao Immersion in Guatemala the year before. She had such an amazing experience she decided to go again and encouraged me to go, since I was diving into my relationship with Cacao. She ended up not being able to go, but I went and had an incredible experience.

I felt like I died, was reborn and also gave birth at the same time. There were so many amazing experiences that I will describe when the time is right in other blog posts.

Being at Lake Atitlan was an incredible healing experience. The lake itself has a mind of her own. The people are so connected with the land. Learning about Cacao with the people on the land was so humbling. I cannot describe it.

When I got back to Guatemala this October 2025. I look forward to diving deeper into the culture, the language, stewardship with the land and the people. I also look forward to exploring more places I didn’t explore last time.

I hope that through cacao I can teach people about the connection to the land and people here. Cacao connects all people to healing. It also connects you to your heart. Since it is the medicine of the heart.

Mayan Womb Massage

I learned about Mayan Abdominal Womb Massage from a blog called To Make A Mommy. It’s one of the things the author did to get pregnant. I later read about it more when I was making my plans to travel to Guatemala. I decided I had to find someone who provided it.

I received my first Mayan Womb Massage from Nana Mimi who is my mentor in Mayan Womb Massage and Cacao Stewardship. I met her during my Cacao Immersion. I had had an incredible Connection with Cacao with her on a beautiful mountain prior to learning that she did Mayan Womb Massage. She read my cacao cup and said it contained “The Fertility of Cacao”

She gave me the massage towards the end of the Immersion with Cacao. It was right after I felt like I had died, been reborn and given birth. A lot of emotions were released from my womb from all the losses I had had. I felt like my womb was clear.

After the massage I felt like I was going through a vulnerable time similar to post-partum where I needed to be very gentle on my body and nourish my body with soups and other similar foods. I also had a faja (which is a belt or scarf) wrapped around my womb for support.

When I practice Mayan Womb Massage, I know that everyone’s experience is going to be different from mine. I hold space for the person I am working on and create a beautiful experience for them and their own healing.

I feel it is important for all women to reconnect with this ancestral wisdom. We all hold emotions in our bodies and everyone came from a womb. A lot of us are very disconnected from our womb and may not even know where our womb is.

Womb massage did help me get pregnant again. I lost the baby for other reasons, but I do believe that having regular womb massage has shifted my own body in the right direction to have a healthy pregnancy in the near future.

Mayan Womb Massage or Mayan Abdominal Massage is for everyone. Women can benefit no matter what stage of life they are in. Men can find healing from unprocessed emotions.

Connection with Cacao

The first time I tried cacao was when I was in Belize. I went to a sustainable Mayan Cacao Farm. I stayed there for the night. I tied the cacao fruit, beans and drank cacao. I got to pick my own cacao pod and sugar cane to make my own chocolate bar.

Once you have tried real cacao, its hard to eat chocolate in the same way. Cacao is 100% chocolate. There is no sugar. Mayan Cacao is Ceremonial grade and very sacred.

Working with cacao has helped me with my grief. It has helped me bring back joy into my life. I have connected on a deeper level with my womb healing and connect with my Spirit Babies when I drink it.

Cacao has a way of creating community. People are drawn to the healing medicine that it is. Most people love chocolate. There is a reason for that. Cacao opens your heart and helps you go deeper into your own healing.

Everyone should be able to feel the healing benefits of cacao. That’s why I feel called to share. Cacao has come to me in so many ways. The more I connect the deeper I go and the more I can steward cacao in a way that respects the lineage of cacao that I practice.

Closing (Integration and Hope)

I did not expect to meet my teacher in Guatemala. I didn’t even realize I was going to go to Guatemala for that matter. It was like I was being called by the lake and my teacher to go there.

The connection I have with my Spirit Babies is incredible. I know that they wanted me to go to Guatemala and learn all the things I have learned. I feel closer to them when I go.

My dad would be very proud of me for all the work I have done in my healing after losing him. He was proud of me for following my dream of working with animals. He was a little disappointed when I quit my job at the Humane Society, but he realized I needed to. I believe he would understand that my path shifted and I was following my heart in a different direction.

Even though I have had so many losses. I will be a lot more prepared for when my Spirit Babies finally decide to come Earthside.

Loss is hard, but you never know what direction your healing journey my take you on. I may not be on the path I am now without everything I went though.